That are moments when life stands still … the day of a magical marriage, when they lay that newborn baby in your arms for the first time, when you buy your first home, when you lose your job and your home, when you or a family member receives a bad health report, when you lose a loved one — and the list goes on.
Over some weeks now I’ve been confronted with what what could be life-altering. We’ve just moved back to Ohio after living about 700 miles from our kids and grandkids. My husband stepped into a new pastoral position. I started a new job, we are seeing our kids and grandkids more and making lots of new friends. And we sold our family home in SC and are ready to close on the purchase of a new home. God has ushered us into a fresh new season and He is restoring what the enemy stole from us. We are excited and blessed.
Then on a normal day I feel an abnormal lump in my breast. My heart stops and I feel like life is suddenly on hold. Everything could change. We don’t need to buy a house when I just don’t know what I’m looking at with my health and my future. I asked all the “why” questions. Why is this happening now that I have less than desirable insurance and no disability insurance and when I’m back where I can do things with all the kids, when it seems we are experiencing a great time of restoration? Why now? I was scared and at the same time I knew I had to choose to trust God.
I didn’t even tell my husband in the beginning, I think I was in denial. I was praying over myself with hopes that next time I checked it would be gone, but every time I checked, it was still there — so I spilled it to my husband who immediately wanted me to go to the doctor to get checked out. But I kept putting it off because I just didn’t want to face it. I didn’t want to know.
Then my husband really started pushing me … EVERY DAY. Did you make an appointment? You’re being like a stubborn old man! I want you to be around a long time with me. So I finally made the call and they got me in the very next day.
What stress! Knowing that everything could change in a moment. So many emotions. I chose moment-by-moment to trust God, knowing that wasn’t a “get out of jail free” card. Knowing that truly trusting God is trusting Him no matter what comes our way — no matter the circumstances — no matter the diagnosis.
I saw the doctor, and after her examination, she scheduled me for a mammogram and an ultrasound the very next morning at 8:00 am. I was exhausted. I think my body was so tensed up that when I walked out of the office, I just wanted to sleep.
The next morning seemed to last forever. I went to one place for the mammogram which hurt like there was no tomorrow and my routine mammograms are normally just uncomfortable, never painful, so this concerned me. Then to another place for the ultrasound and then back and forth, between the tech and the radiologist. Finally, all the tests are done and I’m sitting in the doctors office waiting — waiting and wondering if everything was about to change. Would I be getting a biopsy? Will I have chemo and surgery? Will I lose my hair? If it is cancer, is it in my lymph nodes? I just kept taking deep breaths and telling God that whatever happens, I trust him. But sometimes it is easy to say we trust and much harder to actually trust.
The doctor came in and read the radiology report which I didn’t completely understand — she broke it down for me. It looks like a hematoma. I feel the stress literally leaving my body. I’m so grateful — but I walk away knowing it could have been so different; for so many women it is, and their lives continue to stand still and things forever change.
How do we handle these times? We choose to trust God. We trust the promises of His Word. We pray His promises over our lives knowing that He stands behind his Word. And we trust knowing the answer may not be what we want, yet knowing that God always has our best in His plans. I have to go back in six months for another mammogram and ultrasound and I continue to choose to trust. So my story continues. And as I trust Him, He uses the pressures and the stresses to continue His work in me.
You learn a lot about yourself when you go through times that squeeze you. What comes out when the pressure is on us shows what is on the inside. And when we run to God with our “whys” and our pain, He meets us where we are and when we cooperate with His work in us, we come out looking more like him on the other side.
“And the Lord—who is the Spirit—makes us more and more like him as we are changed into his glorious image.” 2 Corinthians 3:18
When life stands still I will trust in you! God, make me more like you.
Seeking His Heart,